The Little Engine That Felt Like It Couldn't

"The most important relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself."

And I have to add - this may very well prove to be the most difficult relationship as well.

I'm slightly rosy-cheeked to admit that I heard this quote delivered by Diane Von Furstenberg on The City. Not that she isn't an altogether intelligent woman but I would have rather been quoting someone of a more prestigious nature. Prestigious, in the scholarly sense....

Never the less, there is an insurmountable degree of truth in DVF's wise words. The relationship you have with yourself is the one relationship that you should never ever let go by the wayside. Yet, people often do. Striving to always keep yourself balanced, in check, self-aware comes with great rewards. You're other relationships, your demeanor & your health will only benefit from you continually bettering your understanding of yourself.

But it truly isn't easy. Besides being you're own hardest critic, you are also dangerously close to the "situation." There is no escaping you. As such, you are often the most beneficial & yet harmful person to your own life. Within hours you can go from loving yourself to loathing the very skin you embody, an example of the extreme bipolar emotions that rarely happen outwardly towards other people (unless you are vehemently unsocial).

To be a bit more personal, I'm currently at the loathing end of the spectrum. It's entirely my fault; although, I would gladly put the blame on someone else. I've lost touch with who I am, not to the core but definitely on the surface. I have less zeal for life than I use to. Less certainty about what I'm capable of as well as what I want out of life, long-term. It's annoying really because there was no onset to this (what the hell is this) emotional quandary & loss of self. Sometimes I seem to be at a loss for what's going on in my own head. At other times, I can't get out of my own head...

The circular reasoning & cycle of improvement<>worsening that come with this is the worst. You pump yourself up, do something to improve your mood or circumstance....and then one little, inconsequential thing sets you off, putting your right back to where you were. Or sometimes farther. Then get even MORE down about the whole thing & that's when you're really in over your head.

Nothing specific got me to this point. It's rarely ever just one thing, I've noticed. A series of uncomfortable scenarios, dwindling dreams, sad realizations... being honest with myself... it all amounted in a general malaise towards who I am for the moment. And trust me, it's painful mainly because I hate HATE hate self-pitying. Hate it. I don't mind talking about my feelings, hashing something out. I enjoy that, actually. But I hate when you're just whining because you can't think of or find any motivation to DO something about anything. Horrible. Goes against my whole essence.

It makes you understand how powerful your mind can be - both for you & against you. One can convince themselves of nearly anything. It just takes time, a little determination & a pinch of avoidance. Consequently, I've convinced myself of something so outrageous that it has driven me into a nervousness I've never known. A paranoia basically. Despite reassurance that my "fear" is not true & more importantly, not worth me reacting or dealing with it the way I am - I have a hard time snapping out of it. My mind tells me otherwise. My mind is convinced of something so defiantly that my eyes & senses have even joined forces with it to help reinforce the picture I painted in my head.

It's horribly confusing. I know in my heart that if any one person I knew was struggling with this same issue - I would be telling them exactly what I'm hearing from my friends. But I can't swallow it for myself right now - it does nothing for me. It's worse than "in one ear, out the other" - it goes right over my head.... Sometimes, I think they're just saying it because they're "required to" as people who love me. False logic, I know. Well, I guess I don't REALLY know. I just can't internalize the idea that what everyone is saying could be true because it means that what I'm convinced of, is not true.

Throughout all of this, I've grow more & more aware of the fact that I am my best & worst friend. No one can hurt me the way I can hurt myself. No one can help me, though, the way I can help myself. Inspiration often comes from others. But true change, true action yielding results, only comes from yourself.

So whatever it is you may be struggling with, fighting internally, I hope it subsides sooner than later. It's hard to see a problem so vividly that doing anything but attacking dead on seems like a weakness of character. It's not a weakness of character. We are only human & though I hate to admit it, many of life's problems just take time. That's all. But Hallmark once put it very succinctly: "Everything will be OK in the end. And if it's not OK, it's not yet the end."