Kurban Bayram (and The Day of the Locked Door)

I just locked myself out of the apartment. How did I manage this? Well, a hospitable neighbor came by to wish me “Happy Bayram” and in an effort to actually speak with him, I shut the door on a barking Louie – momentarily forgetting that the door locks behind you.

Whoops.

Thank baby Jesus and all his godly friends – this man knew a locksmith who was not only in town for the holiday but was a mere “on beş” minutes (15) away. So I sat down on the steps to the 5^th floor and patiently waited while Louie frantically cried on the opposing side of our massive apartment door.

After 60 seconds of sitting (I know this because the hallway light only stays on this long) I stood up and used the railing to practice some ballet barre work. Right side. Turn light back on. Left side. Turn light back on. You get the idea…

While “enjoying” my workout, I realized that this being my 17^th day in Adana, it felt important to take a moment and reflect on what led me to my decision to accept this teaching position. Under the circumstances any positive, deep yet calm thoughts seemed appropriate.

17 days ago…

A conversation. It was the phone call I shared with Jovana, my boyfriend’s sister, shortly before boarding the flight from JFK to Istanbul. She was actually the last person I spoke to stateside and by that time I had cried multiple tears throughout the day. But it was only in speaking with her that I recognized what scared me so much about leaving NY/NJ and heading abroad. It wasn’t the standard “don’t speak the language,” “going to a foreign place,” “being far away from home” or “adjusting to a new job and living situation.” Sure those were concerns but nothing I hadn’t dealt with in the past and nothing that seemed overwhelming. I would learn the language, that I knew, and living in a different country would take some adjusting but was a dream of mine for too long to let that be a source of struggle. No, something else was nagging at me. I just couldn’t understand what it was … until I remember how I felt each time I “left” someplace in the past. New Orleans, DC, New York, Charleston… even one apartment for another, boyfriends, friends, family…

These other instances of moving on came about because I was ready to go. SO ready to go, I couldn’t possibly have stayed. More importantly, the moment of leaving didn’t feel like I was “leaving” behind anything at all. It felt only as if I was heading somewhere better to a place with infinite possibility and a new, improved me at the end of it. What I would find there would only make me happier. This is not to say it would all be rainbows and butterflies but any trouble along the way was merely a reminder that I’d have to fight for what I wanted and earn the life I dreamed of.

To put it more bluntly, each time I’ve left a place in the past it was with a good riddance attitude.

Back at JFK’s international terminal, this wasn’t at all how I felt... quite the opposite, in fact. I didn’t want to leave behind anything that I had in NY. Not the city, not the few friends I had there. And the key component – not my boyfriend or his family. For once, I felt at home. For once, I wanted to stay right where I was.

Yet there I was sitting with my dog waiting for a Turkish Airlines flight to Istanbul. The opportunity to travel abroad appeared and I took it because I needed to prove to myself that I could be challenged. I needed to take a risk on life. If I hadn’t moved, I would have always wondered how I might have handled it all. Would I have changed? What I would have learned? How it would have felt coming home…

So this is what I look forward to. The changes I will start to see in myself. The growth. The knowledge. The calmness. A gratitude that will come with knowing I did something not many people have the chance to do. I was fortunate enough to experience the world as an outsider, to exchange cultures and languages with people – some willingly and some by happenstance. Better yet, for the first time in my life I will experience the sensation of coming home to the open arms of my boyfriend and knowing without any shadow of doubt that I belong.

I could go halfway around the world and the world I left behind will be patiently waiting for me to return when I’m ready. This will be the ultimate prize for me. This will be what I work for each day as I immerse myself in the present - the full circle effect of coming and going - the love shaping that journey.

Minutes have passed and Louie has stopped barking. The locksmith comes and opens the door. I pay him 40TL and eat half a bag of Fritos out of mild frustration.

Then I sit to write this entry because it is true. I was scared to come. I am unsure of myself here at moments. Still, I feel inner warmth when I recognize my strength, persistence and channel the love that I carried with me over all those miles.

I only wish Louie could tell me how he feels about all this : )