Purge Before the New Year

I've spent a lot of time the past few days oscillating between feeling like a lost little girl, scared & overwhelmed, or a failed woman, embarrassed & devoid of meaning.

I want my life to be entirely different & yet I can't figure out how to make that happen. Or I can't figure out what parts of it I can fix, change & grow from. I feel like I'm floundering & life is flying by me laughing & shaking its head in disgust. I can no long tell what assets I have. I don't know what to make of anything but I do know I feel like I have nothing left. I really don't have anything left. Honestly, I'm not sure I had anything to start with....

I'm not the type to wallow. I'm also not the type to sit back & do nothing. But I swear this gets harder & harder to pick myself up every time I get set back. You become timid about going after what you want because you've had to start over so many times. It's not a defeatist attitude, it's just like saying "why fix what isn't broken?" For me, the answer is always because I'm not truly happy. I want more. Greedily. I always want more...

There is this looming sense that almost every situation in my life is unfinished. My relationships with people are either unfinished or unsettling. My monetary situation is depressing &, more recently, unacceptable. My health is... uncertain. So it goes without saying that my happiness is questionable.

I've never asked for this before - I've never felt like I had to - but for the first time in my life I'm hoping this New Year really does bring something different, fresh & positive. I want to turn over a new leaf. I want to make things right & keep them there. I don't want to have to write a blog like this for a long long lonnnnggg time....