Oh Leo...

I have a pretty standard rotation of magazines I read monthly. Vanity Fair & Rolling Stone are always first. In Style is quick to follow. Sometimes I’ll grab a copy of Lucky or Nylon if I’m feeling especially girly or Men’s Health & Vogue if the cover intrigues me. However, Esquire has yet to make it in the repertoire of my glossy-page turning past time… until my last visit to Barnes & Noble.

Walking to a table in the café, magazines in hand, I saw a rather loud & eye-catching magazine cover consisting of a cardigan-clad, cigar-bearing Leonardo DiCaprio splashing his Bourbon (Whiskey?) towards the supposed reader. All this on a white background with busy tag lines layered between Leo & the white sheet. At first, I kind of half smiled at the effort & artistic talent filling said cover-art. But then, I realized the “effort” was more than just filling the cover, it was kind of spilling on to the floor in an obvious, cliché mess.

My first problem results from what Leo holds in his right & left hand. A cigar & a glass of Bourbon (or really, was it Whiskey?). Now, I don’t know much about Esquire. Like I said, I had never read it so I have no way of knowing the magazine’s style or feel - their perspective & drive is foreign to me. But I do know one thing. Most of the time, their covers are sexy in a often raunchy way that makes you look two & three times because it’s not in the same plastic wrap playboy is.

If they aren’t making you blush, they are making you wonder what’s inside based on their political stance (i.e the Kennedy tri-fecta that was captioned with “The Meaning of Life” as if the Kennedy’s held the key to how to live a fulfilled life). I actually like all of these qualities in Esquire & I am surprised it has never made it into my hands before now. However, this month’s cigar & hard liquor paraphernalia have me uncomfortably bemused. It’s so predictable. But worse, it’s so NOT avant-garde or raunchy or politically moving or socially enthralling. It didn’t make me look twice for the right reason.

The two male social symbols Leo holds in his hands are boring. He isn’t about to entertain guests. He doesn’t look suave, he looks cheesy. And actually for some reason I imagine him either banging his secretary prior to this picture or just delivering the OK to wack some insignificant. (I mean neither of these in gangster, bad-ass way. I mean them in a “little man syndrome way”). He isn’t a heart throb anymore with Titanic over a decade behind him. He IS an accredited actor following Blood Diamond & The Departed not to mention his new Scorsese film, Shutter Island (hence the Esquire spotlight).

But what this cover makes him look like is a hoity, cigar smoking, cashmere-wearing, liquor-tossing socialite. In my opinion, if Leo is wearing a cardigan, he is probably in character. If he's going to be smoking a cigar then its probably celebrating with the boys & if he is drinking, he isn’t wearing that frickin cardigan – he is out at a club or party in a white undershirt & jeans! So what the hell is this cover selling - the American socialite man or Leo’s alter-ego? I mean, his Shutter Island character wouldn’t even dress or act like this confused individual which has left me confused.

I’m sure I’m not doing a great job at explaining why this cover left such a bad taste in my mouth. Hell, maybe I’m just not a Leo-fan. Bu the bottom line for me is disappointment in Esquire for not making me blush or at least ALMOST pick up their magazine to see what interesting snarky article or intriguing political mess waited inside.

Better luck next month.